Whatever else the job of President of the United States might entail, it at very least entails presiding. The Presider of the United States must sit before the most boring meetings in the country. And if you want to know what that feels like, just sit in on the minutes reading from any Rotary or Lion’s or Elk’s club in the country, especially from the Presider’s perspective:

12:01pm — Vice President sipped his coffee.

12:02pm — Vice President suggested we use the money from the golf fundraiser to stop hunger in Africa. Secretary of Agriculture said his farm was hurting this year and he could use the money for a new combine. Secretary of State farted proudly. Vice President agrees to buy Secretary of Agriculture a new combine if Rotary can own half of it. Haggling ensues and some resolution was reached, but I wasn’t typing fast enough. 

12:05pm — Motion to give free college to all future students. Motion ignored due to arrival of cold fried chicken and over-gravied mashed potatoes. 

12:10pm — (minutes illegible due to gravy smears)

12:14pm — Presider asked Secretary of Defense why he had missed the last few weeks of meetings. Secretary of Defense asked for us to change the meeting time next week due to his ongoing game of bridge with the ladies from landscaping. His request was denied not because no one had availability — everyone did — but because Presider of the United States does not like bridge. He’s a penuchle and euchre kind of guy.

12:15pm — Prayer request voiced for Chief of Staff’s mother-in-law twice removed who just got diagnosed with testicular cancer. Provoked discussion on how exactly a woman gets “ball cancer” (in the words of Surgeon General) and prompted many other prayer requests connected to many other family histories.

12:16pm — No one prayed.

12:29pm — After a long moment of silence, March Madness brackets were filled out. Vice President put Duke in every slot and was accused of being a monarchist. Vice President asked for a dictionary.

12:32pm — Request for meeting adjourned and all other business postponed until tomorrow due to finishing touches we need to make upon this year’s parade float. Theme: Good Morning Vietnam. Secretary of Defense hoped to find a way to use real napalm. White House decorator insisted on the fragility of tissue paper and chicken wire. Presider made executive decision to try both because that will make everyone happy. I am not happy. I have carpal tunnel from eight years of this shit. I could have written my novel by now, but that will never happen because the chiropractor is telling me to quit typing after my term is up. My hair is grey. I once had a wife and child. I too was beautiful once. 

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Photo by Alex McCarthy on Unsplash