Dear Famous Agent  –

Great to see you at the annual tennis event.  So sorry about your knee. Although it was nice to finally beat you in doubles.

If you recall, my old agent has retired, and I’m looking to switch to fiction. It was always my first love. Does anyone at your agency specialize in YA? I have a novel I’d like you to consider.

Again, wonderful to see you.

All best,

Not Famous Writer

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(3 weeks later)

Dear Not Famous Writer:

We’ll be happy to take a look. Send us a synopsis and a first chapter.

Best,

Famous Agent

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(30 seconds later)

Dear Famous Agent –

Attached please find synopsis and first chapter. Thanks!

All best,

Not Famous Writer

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(13 Weeks later)

Dear Not Famous Writer:

We enjoyed the synopsis and sample. Could you please send the manuscript?

Thanks!

Best,

Assistant to Famous Agent

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(13 seconds later)

Dear Assistant to Famous Agent –

Attached please find the manuscript.

Thanks!

All best,

Not Famous Writer

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(7 weeks later)

Dear Not Famous Writer:

My Brilliant Assistant liked, even loved, your ms. But there are a few problems that we believe you need to address before we can find you a publisher. Attached is her report.

Best,

Famous Agent

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(7 minutes later)

Dear Famous Agent –

I’ve just read through your Brilliant Assistant’s report, and it is brilliant. I’ve already started working. Thanks so much!

All best,

Not Famous Writer

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(6 weeks later)

Dear Famous Agent –

I’ve attached my revised ms. I’ve been working day and night, cut 20,513 words and added 24,782.  I’m so excited.  Particularly about the new character of the abandoned puppy and the interior monologues I’ve added to the knife fight that ends Part One. (All suggested by your Brilliant Assistant.  She’s a genius.)

Thanks so much!

All Best,

Not Famous Writer

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(12 weeks later)

Dear Not Famous Writer:

Attached is a report from my brilliant intern, Reggie.

Best,

Famous Agent

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(3 minutes later)

Dear Famous Agent –

I just read  Intern Reggie’s report, and well…much to ponder.  I’ll be in touch.

All best,

Not Famous Writer

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(13 minutes later)

Dear Famous Agent –

After reading and rereading Intern Reggie’s notes, I’m so confused. First, I expected to have a response from you or your Brilliant Assistant. Is she on vacation?  Second, Intern Reggie contradicts your Brilliant Assistant’s notes. For example, he says that the crucial knife fight should be cut, because it’s just “stab stab spurt” and we can “get the gist” in a page. And he recommends for “dramatic tensile” that the neighbor “drown the puppy” so that my “heroin” can reach her “epifany” more quickly. (!)

I’m always open to criticism, but I can’t possibly make the changes Reggie wants. How old is he anyway?

Still, thanks for all your help, especially for the notes from your Brilliant Assistant. How is she? I hope she’s not ill. Which reminds me, how’s your knee?

All best,

Not Famous Writer

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(10 weeks later)

Dear Not Famous Writer:

Attached please find a report from my brilliant nephew, Ryder. Please respond to him directly. He enjoys working with writers and hopes to be one himself someday.

Best,

Famous Agent

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(2 Hours later)

Dear Ryder  –

Thank you for your ten pages of “ideation.”  I don’t know what that is, but paragraph breaks would have been helpful.  No, I really don’t think it’s possible for me to change the setting to the “digital realm” and the “vast interspace” as you call it. I don’t write “fictional constructs.”  I write about people who bleed! REAL PEOPLE WHO LIKE PUPPIES!

Not Famous “Writer”

P.S.  Sure, why not?  Give the ms. to Magda, your “friend” in the “movie business.” 

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(3 Days later)

Dear Magda –

I’m thrilled that you love my novel.  It’s wonderful that you shared it with all the dogs as you took them on their daily walks.

Yes.  I agree. If dogs could choose the books, the world would be a happier place.

Yes! Yes! Of course you have my permission to give my ms. to your Famous Movie Director boss. I love her films. 

Thank you so much!

All best,

Not Famous WRITER

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(3 weeks later)

Dear Soon to be Famous Writer,

Famous Movie Director loves your novel!  Send me contact information for your agent, and we’ll get the negotiations going. Magda sends her best wishes.

All best,

Assistant to Famous Movie Director

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(30 seconds later)

Dear Famous Agent –

Famous Movie Director wants to buy my novel!  Will you represent me?

I hope to see you at the annual tennis event this week-end. I can’t believe it’s been a year. How’s your knee? Still limping?  I’m floating!

All best,

Soon to be Famous Writer

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(15 seconds later)

Dear Soon to be Famous Writer:

I would be honored to represent you! We can talk more at the tennis event. I’ll pick you up.

Meanwhile, send me a copy of your novel. I can’t wait to read it!

With all best wishes,

Famous Agent

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