Here in Penn Station waiting for my morning train I heard an absurd news report. Apparently a private plane crashed into the Long Island sound and local police executed a rescue mission. Now I don’t doubt the bravery of these men and should emphasize my gratitude, but a word needs to be said on the police commissioner’s response.

“Many police officers went on a daring mission tonight in which they commandeered several kayaks from local citizens in order to rescue survivors.”

Let’s break that down, shall we?

First, to commandeer. The act of commandeering literally means to seize command of, as in the case of Jack Sparrow who often commandeers large three-masted brigs. Pirates commandeer is an appropriate usage.

Second, kayak, as in the sea born vessel best fit for teaching toddlers the mechanics of the oar. As in the vessel that’s hardest to flip.

Commandeered.

Several kayaks.

Were this a land operation, we may find that police on a high speed chase commandeered several Power Wheels Barbie Corvettes.

Were this an air operation, we might wake at Laguardia to find in the night that brave police commandeered several paper airplanes and boomerangs.

Underwater, they may have commandeered several Dora The Explorer snorkels.

Commandeered.

Several kayaks.

You might as well say local IRS agents have appropriated several trillion chocolate coins for the national budget.

That a renegade band of highly trained Navy Seals accroached a Russian Dollhouse. And that the FBI executed a sting operation against an underground network of pimps who had enslaved the Keebler Elves.

That rogue terrorist gnomes have left the universe of South Park and executed a plot to steal the Queen of England’s panties.

That the United Nations has neglected their diplomatic negotiations with The Knights Who Say “Ne!” And that’s truly awful. For one, you can’t negotiate with the Knights Who Say “NE!” For another, you cannot say “the United Nations has neglected their diplomatic negotiations with The Knights who say ‘Ne!’” without saying “Ne!” several times.

There is only one demographic served by a morning report that his kayak has been commandeered by pirate police and that is the child at the beginning of Where the Wild Things Are. Poor boy. He will only find solace in the realization that he was not the sole victim for these pirate police have in fact:

Commandeered.

SEVERAL Kayaks.

…along his native shore. Sometimes the people most concerned with professionalism are the least professional among us. Good God, man, next time just say they borrowed boats.