The Showbear Family Circus

FAQ + Administrivia

fat picture of a question mark on a wall
fat picture of a question mark on a wall

It seemed silly for years for me to make a FAQ page as a person, but I’m realizing as I get older that the email load isn’t slowing down. It will likely only increase, so the sooner I get standard answers down, the better. It’ll help to have a central location to send folks who often ask similar questions.

I am borrowing from several authors here, but especially John Scalzi, Chuck Wendig, Brandon Sanderson, and Charles Stross. Those four seem to me to have radically clear FAQ pages and I hope to build on theirs. This is a starting place, not an ending place. I intend grow it and change it like the rest of the website: it’s a garden, not a stairwell.

To make it easier, I’ve made a table of contents that will auto-update with each new question and topic. This is also the privacy policy page. You should be able to click your topic and find yours.

In all cases where you have both read the FAQ and want to email me, the answer is “subscribe to the mailing list. When the mailing list sends you the intro email, reply to that email.”

For purposes of clarity, the questions below are from the reader’s point of view. I.E. “Will you write for me?” should be read as, “Will you, Lance, write for me, the reader of this FAQ page?”

Table of Contents

Writing Work

Will you write for me?

For fiction, non-fiction, poetry work: I do not write for others without being paid. This is my job. One of them, anyways. If you can’t pay me, don’t ask. You will not only waste my time and yours. Your email will not only be deleted. It will be marked as spam and you will be unable to write me in the future.

My base rate for solicited original writing, non-fiction, fiction, and poetry, is $2 per word. For longer works, this will require a contract. I once had a billionaire try to hire me to ghostwrite his full-length memoir, but he refused to sign a contract: it is this sort of six-figure ignorance that leads to deals not getting done. Yes, for longer works, this will require a contract.

If you want me to write for you, will pay me, and can sign a contract, then read on. If not, skip to the next section.

Fiction

I am currently open to fiction requests.

Non-fiction

I’m open to all non-fiction with one exception and one clarifier:

  • No hard-hitting investigative reporting. There are better investigative journalists than me and I’ve found over time that I’m too much of a perfectionist to do this in a timely manner. I’m also too much of a storyteller.
  • Academic work needs to be in my wheelhouse. I am only dipping my toes into this sector, so we’d really need clear expectations and communication for this arena.

Ghostwriting

Ghostwriting for me is an exceedingly rare occurrence because I have to agree with the fundamental philosophies and be proud of the overall lived experience of the subject in question. But it happens. It may cost more than $2 depending on subject and scope. You’re welcome to pitch me.

Poetry

I’m open to shorter poetry, no longform right now. This includes poetic critique of poetry manuscripts and children’s books, since those tend to be rather short.

Scripts, both commercial and narrative

I’m open on an extremely limited basis to consider these projects, especially if there is no production role involved.

Songwriting

I never write commercial songs or jingles. If this is a request to write a song about some subject or someone, you’re paying me to write the song and paying both me and the team for production and I’m retaining licensing rights — in other words if you’re paying me to write my song about your subject — we can talk.

Editing, copy, tech, grants, etc.

  • I’m closed to editing requests. When I reopen it will be for one project for the year. Make sure you’re subscribed for that, that’s the only place I notify: my mailing list.
  • Pretty much permanently closed for copy and tech.
  • I don’t do grant writing for anyone but my own nonprofit.

Homework

Listen. Do your own homework. Here’s why:

The time will come when you’ll be stuck out in the world, by yourself. Many of the people you love will have died as mine have. You’ll be responsible for more people than you expected as I am. And it’ll be no one else’s job but yours to figure out a way forwards. You’ll need to think, you’ll need to problem solve, you’ll need to tease out the language, formulate a plan, and come up with some creative solution.

Doing the hard thing now will help you build those muscles so that you can be dangerous. Learn to learn. No I’m not doing your homework for you. Why would I deprive you the opportunity to learn when I am a life learner and therefore a teacher at heart?

I won’t.

Neither, in fact, should an Ai. An Ai doing your homework is saying, “I choose to be ignorant, incompetent, and fail hard at life.” An Ai doing your homework is like letting a factory handmake a sweater for your mom and then lying to her and telling her you knit it yourself.

Why would you deny yourself the chance to become a master craftsman?

You don’t want to be ignorant, incompetent, and fail hard at life, do you?

Do your own frigging homework. Find joy in it. I did and do. One of the secrets is actually finding ways for assignments to connect and collaborate. Find creative, joyful solutions to completing tasks. Haggle with your teacher to make the assignment into something you enjoy doing or studying.

If they won’t budge, tough, sometimes we have to do the benchpress for our chest to get bigger, abstain from carbs to lose belly fat, and fast in order to train ourselves to be hungry now and again so our minds can blossom.

Do the hard thing. My buddy Andy says for you musicians, that includes your scales. For writers, that’s scene, sequence, meter, metaphor, vocab, typing speed, and penmanship — preferably cursive.

But will you edit my homework?

Same answer as for all of the other editing, above.

Will you buy my fiction, nonfiction, poetry and publish it on your site?

Hey thanks for asking! I used to do this every other day with the Showbear Family Circus, see the archive with that link. In terms of time and funds, until I can both hire a full time editor and pay every contributor, I’m going to keep this part of the site dormant. That may change, stay posted and subscribed for notifications on those developments.

Will you buy my fiction, nonfiction, poetry and publish it in one of your anthologies?

Similarly, stay subscribed to keep updated on the development of those works. For now, we’re only accepting submissions for the Women’s Poetry Anthology.

Will you let me write a sponsored post on your site?

No.

Do you advertise on your site? Can I hire you to write a sponsored post of my product?

No. Advertisement is the exact opposite of the arts. I hate it. While I have you here, please read Utopia of Usurers. I would ban ads globally if I could. Yes, including yours. Yes, including mine. Perhaps especially yours, since you contacted me personally and asked to commandeer MY HOUSE to hawk your wares. Go on, get.

Will you pay $X in order for me to send your writing to all my [insert social whatever] followers?

No. I paid $10 once when I was young and dumb and got on some list and now you people deserve a FAQ question. I’m mostly answering this so people know not to do this. Vet your promos.

Past Writing + Published Works FAQ

Do you have a creative universe that unites your work?

Yes. It’s called The Vale Megacosm. It connects everything. Yes, even the articles and poems and the blog. Even, some readers say, the 404 not found page, but I can’t seem to ever find that. Is an author banned from his own 404 page?

Do you have any advice for writers?

You can find that in resources or in The Writing Life.

Do you have a bibliography for your own published works?

Here’s the list of many, though not nearly all, of my published works.

Do you have a list for citation impact?

It seemed originally to me a bit of a joke to do this, but then I realized a few things (1) my published works page started out rather short and by adding to it regularly, it grew; (2) having one encourages citation and study of the works I’ve put out there; (3) it encourages me to put more thought and wisdom and virtue into my own work; (4) it’s fun.

So here’s the citation impact page.

Do you narrate any of your own audiobooks?

I narrated Bell Hammers. I may again one day if the money and timing are right.

How do you receive the largest royalty when I purchase your work?

The online store.

Where can I find interviews of you?

Events, Cons, Open Mics FAQ

Will you come to our conference, convention, or panel?

Yes, if the situation is amenable to my schedule and budget. Email lanceschaubert [at] gmail [dot] com

What about our music festival, theater week, poetry festival, ren faire, or other performance venue?

Same as above, though if it’s NYC, it’s more likely.

Do you visit schools, bookstores, or libraries?

Yes, if the situation is amenable to my schedule and budget. Email lanceschaubert [at] gmail [dot] com — I am open to doing zoom calls with classes, it just depends on the situation and timing. And I’m much more flexible for teachers than for producers of large music festivals for obvious reasons.

Reading and Blurbing

Will you read my book, screenplay, short story, poem, aria, libretto, lyrics, business copy, or the random LSD-influenced prophecy I scrawled on this wonderfully used booger-infested Chipotle napkin I found in the subway?

Depends. Are you in NYC? You can meet us at the Center for Fiction where we do critique circles. If you’re in NYC and want to join that, you can subscribe below to my mailing list, reply to the first email, and we can talk details.

Other than that, no. Partly for legal reasons, partly because the journal is in hiatus, but mostly because I’m one man. I read at a glacial pace and I get requests to read full novels, full screenplays multiple times every month at this point. I can’t do that. I’m trying to get through the Eastern and Western canon first. Once I’ve done that, I’ll read many more modern works. Occasionally I read outside of that, but it’s rare. I do read modern works, of course, but I’m currently favoring classic works until I’ve done my homework properly, see above. I am, after all, still behind on my reading compared to the rest of class.

The other thing I do — occasionally, as in once per year within the year I choose to do so — is line edit a full manuscript for payment. When that opportunity opens, you may at that time hire me to edit your fiction, memoir, or poetry collection. Do not bug me about this, please, since there will be an announcement if I’m open to one new client in the mailing list.

For that editing potential or the critique circle, subscribe and reply to the first email:

Will you blurb my book or help me promote it?

I blurb the books that I choose to read naturally, but will give general blurbs of a writer’s voice, career, or milieu whose work I’ve read or heard performed. But for example, it took me ten years to get to my GOOD FRIEND LJ Cohen’s book. It was a marvelous book. I procrastinated it forever. I felt bad about it for a decade. But I got to it because I promised her I would. Similar timeline with FC Shultz. Promises weigh on me extremely heavily, so the best bet is just to tell me about your work in a natural way when and if I see you, if I get interested, I’ll grab a copy and likely eventually get around to reading it.

Other than that, it’s a similar answer to the above: come to the critique circle in NYC at the Center for Fiction.

Can you can promote my work in another way?

I do very quick interviews over Discord DMs.

Please note: this is for folks who have a body of work, who are preferably but not exclusively traditionally published (we love self-publishers, but I can’t open the floodgates, so a body of work matters), and folks who have other things about their life of interest. These started out as ask the expert interviews for artists in general, evolved into Sitting at the Feet of for those with really niche expertise that don’t get written about, and have moved into general deep dives into an author’s or artist’s life and work.

Access the Discord here and DM me IF AND ONLY IF you think the above applies to you, traditional or self published. Would love more artists and musicians and filmmakers. Send your CV. Or subscribe above and reply to the first email.

Social media

Do you have any social media profiles?

No. Generally. Tara and I quit social media in 2015 and haven’t looked back. We’ve made a couple of exceptions. I do AMAs on Reddit, but Reddit is a black hole that sucks me in far, far more often than I’d like. I’ve already blacklisted several subreddits from my browser: pretty much any time one of them shows me that I’m interested in it. I run a private Discord and one for the writers here in NYC. I also do Goodreads reviews now and then. And you can follow me on Amazon and Spotify.

If those piddly things count as social media for the purists, fine. I’m not here to impress anybody, I just know what social media does to my brain and yours and the less I’m on it, the better. That includes the news at this point. Any news, especially the live feeds. News wires are for j-school types. I’m not that kind of writer. I need less gossip, more wisdom in my life.

That said, there are apparently fan run profiles out there for me. I don’t own them, don’t have any way to check them or their message inboxes, really. One of them auto posts some of my blogs, but I’m not on it. Best bet is the private Discord.

But social media is so great! Well just the other day I—

Save it, please. I’ve heard it. I love and respect you too much for you to waste your time on this one. Ai proliferation has only cemented my confidence in my decision.

Advice

What is your advice for marketing or producing my first book?

For starters, there’s no such thing as no marketability. You are never the only person who wants to read your book or you would never write it. The key is finding a book’s public and sometimes that’s the work of a lifetime or even several lifetimes when it involves your children or the children of your closest things. Lord of the Rings was allegedly unmarketable. Gatsby was rediscovered posthumously. The sheer size of Harry Potter books was considered noncommercial within the young adult novel sector.

So I don’t believe that for an instant, the trick is finding enough of the right people that they pass on your work to the next generation of readers. sometimes that’s an unbroken chain of one or two readers every generation until the book finds its public.

As far as marketability goes, there are plenty of subterranean adventures selling well, not least of which is Jules Verne himself.

But throwing anything up on Amazon with naught but a prayer goes well for almost no seller or business. It’s good just to do it of course, rather than not do it, but why not throw some other effort into it?

As Tim Grahl says: marketing is (1) creating lasting connections with people through (2) a focus on being relentlessly helpful. That helpful might just be giving them more of the fiction they want in instalments. Or it might be helping them in their own careers such as this response here. But that’s what marketing really is: meeting needs in the marketplace with real people you know and building a community of trust wherein we exchange things.

That said, you wrote the novel. Has anyone beta read it? Have you hired a ghost editor? Have you swapped either with your local critique circle or with a working novelist?

All of these you’ll need to do prior to pitching it or self publishing it.

Why not pitch it first? There are probably 125-200 agents currently accepting pitches in this genre, internationally. Why not give it a shot at selling traditionally?

Then, if that fails — and even if it succeeds you’re still responsible for all of your own marketing — you can still self produce.

Either way you’re going to have to treat it like a business. I’ve done both, have licensed my rights, and basically any way you can keep selling a work and earning money, it all starts to snowball.

Not that money is the end. It’s only a means for making more art.

As far as covers go, I generally use Damonza as I said in my guest post for Damon. But I have also hired (as was the case for Gods and Globes III) actual illustrators and done the typography myself. The typesetting is all me via Vellum, though Atticus is a sufficient program as well.

I use everyone I can, every medium I can, every distribution channel that I can, so yes Ingram’s backend and yes Amazon and yes to several other outlets. I have a buddy that did POD long enough he bought his own printer and goes straight to the distributor. So basically that just makes it easier for folks to get. I want the person who wants my book to get it as soon as possible.

I’ll be doing a longer post at some point that will be a Sell What You Write white page. If you’re interested in that, please say so in the comments:

Leave a comment

As far as “feeding the machine” goes, at some point you should watch the documentary Forget Shorter Showers:

Any decision to participate in civil society is a decision to embrace the evils that are enmeshed with its goods. This is why the rich young ruler was asked to sell everything: he’d never murdered, but the systems that made him rich did.

So at some point — unless you’re growing a tree from seed in your backyard, pulling it, reaming paper, hand printing with a letterpress made with metal you founded after ore you mined using charcoal-plus-gum arabic you sourced, printed, and hand stitched it — another human or tech will get involved. And there are positives and negatives to that. When it comes to platform, post own site and syndicate everywhere. You’ll notice my site is a permanent archive of this newsletter.

So that helps. But you need a rolodex: own the info of your audience, don’t let a third party get between you and your relationships, whether parasocial, social, intimate, or inner circle.

An online presence need not be compromising in biometrics or family info or whatever. It’s not necessarily smarmy sales.

It’s not even necessary to let a “medium” into your “social” spheres: you can own the data.

The book Your First 1,000 copies would help with this, but so would the white page if there was interest.

Giveaways

Where should I review the book I won?

Goodreads. Storygraph. And your retailer of choice.

I entered a giveaway and didn’t get my book. Where is it?

Email me what happened, what giveaway you won including the link to the original, and your email and mailing address.

Are you running any current giveaways?

If they were easy to find, they wouldn’t be giveaways, now would they? But occasionally I let folks know through the mailing list:

Email Policies

I wrote you an email awhile back. Why’s it taking so long?

For right now, I don’t have an assistant, I get a ton of email (think: 90/10 rule), and I have a policy of responding to every one I get. I believe in administrative faithfulness, but I’m not administratively gifted. Discipline alone keeps me on task. Because of that, it’ll take awhile. Especially for things requiring dense responses.

Thus for many: read the FAQ. I’m not trying to be rude, I’m just trying to get to everyone and I’m only one man who probably shouldn’t be entrusted with this many questions from good and decent folk like yourself.

Hey Lance! It’s your long lost [fill in the blank]! Is there an easier way to get ahold of you?

Probably text me? Or text someone you’re certain has my number? If not, I’ll see the email eventually. I hope.

You think it’s a joke that I put this here, but you’d be surprised what deleting socials will do to the inbox of someone whose profile is growing.

Comment Policy

You have freedom of speech, not freedom of consequence. I say the things I say in the way that I say them because I would say them the same way if we lived in a dictatorship. Because I’m willing to die for my convictions. Are you?

If so, you won’t mind that I ban you if you make a jerk comments. This place is a place for dialog, curiosity, wisdom, and kindness. That means I ban folks for racism, sexism, or just general unkindness. It definitely includes abuse and harassment. It also includes “questions” that are really just you being an asshole — I have a relative who’s like this. Spam and spammy self-promotion that repeats endlessly. You can critique me, people often do: please feel free. However, this is a place for kind, generative thought, joy, seldom for politics — though when for politics, almost always playful, always curious, and always with respect for the person on the other side of the fence.

This is my house. It’s not your house. If you like to piss on the floor at your house, that’s your prerogative. Go piss on your own house. For me? Over the years, I’ve cleaned up enough piss from children, dogs, and the dying to prefer to keep mine clean both for their sake and mine. Bed sores can burrow, go gangrenous, and kill a man. So don’t piss in my house.

If you wish to report abuse, subscribe to the list and reply to the first email that comes in from me:

lancelot schaubert gold sounds show 6

Privacy Policy:

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Our website address is: https://lanceschaubert.org/ and http://lancelot.nyc/

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