(Inspired by the McSweeney’s piece “I Would Like to be Pope”)

---

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am reaching out to apply for the position of Santa in the Claus division. This year, I will graduate from Brown University to receive my Bachelor of Arts, magna cum laude, in an independent concentration called “Capitalism and Holiday Spirit.” While I have been focusing primarily on honey purchases during Rosh Hashanah in the financial and agricultural sectors, I have recently chosen to widen my job search to all major religions and their mass-cultural derivatives. I am pursuing positions at only the most engaging and cutting-edge work environments, such as your organization’s headquarters in the North Pole. I was made aware of the availability of the position of Santa Claus at a job fair held in the nearest mall; I am extremely impressed with the achievements of the American holiday-industrial complex and share many of its core values. I believe that my resume and personality type (ENFJ) make me an interesting and perhaps over-qualified candidate for Santa Claus and I would be enthusiastic to kickstart my career with a top position in your organization.

Over the past three and a half years, I have endeavored tirelessly to receive the holiday-oriented education necessary for today’s most preeminent leaders, whether in the board room, the court room, or the North Pole. My capstone project, a year spent entirely dedicated to decorating tiny holiday cookies with the distinctive features of each reindeer (our cultural fixation on Rudolph is a crutch), combined my most distinguished areas of study, such as Modern World Religions, Meditation and Multitasking, and Cultural Conventions to Aid the One Percent. As vice president of my sorority, Alpha Beta Kao, I not only devised a chimney-based system to eject male suitors from the property, but also successfully convinced the Brown administration to overlook an incident involving live reindeer and a trampoline. I am both an innovator and a problem solver.

While I have never studied Christmas gift delivery per se, I know several Christians. They all greatly enjoy my Christmas gifts. I am Jewish, but so was Jesus, the inspiration for the holiday as per my understanding. I also have several credits in Marketing and Product Design, and, as the intern manager at the illustrious, New York private equity firm Evergreen Trees Group, Inc. will affirm, I learn quickly and work faster. Additionally, I have noted your company’s expanding client base in countries with high concentrations of missionaries. I am well versed in cross-cultural and religious dialogue after spending a summer finding myself in Thailand. Representing the Jewish community, I took it upon myself to integrate my culture into the Thai people, food, and overall ethos. With over eighty percent accuracy, I can explain the difference between Hammurabi and Hava Nagila. Cultured and spiritually centered, my ability to reach beyond religious and physical borders will be vital to the position of Santa Claus.

As stated on your website, the position of Santa includes “bringing gifts to the homes of well-behaved children.” Through my enrollment in the Senior Advising Program, I feel I have shown how many gifts I have to offer, particularly regarding course enrollment and extracurricular support through struggles like holiday homesickness and hangovers. I feel like it is important to be a giving person in a workplace environment, a value and skill which any company or nonprofit would look for in their Santa.

As an exceptional undergraduate with advanced Christmas cookie decorating skills and an interesting resume, with the intention to be a part of an exciting, innovative, and challenging organization, I will be an invaluable hire to the North Pole as your newest Santa.

While I am intending to apply to your headquarters in New York City, I would consider an offer for relocation.

I deeply appreciate your careful and honest consideration,

Kendall Krantz

---

FEATURED DOWNLOAD: If you would like an infographic on how to read books and watch films more reflectively, CLICK HERE.