Tag: humor
-
Dear Famous Agent
Dear Famous Agent – Great to see you at the annual tennis event. So sorry about your knee. Although it was nice to finally beat you in doubles. If you recall, my old agent has retired, and I’m looking to switch to fiction. It was always my first love. Does anyone at your agency specialize…
-
McDonald’s v. Wendy’s
The ginger-topped, possessive mascots battled for my diabetes today. In one corner you have a clown that scares me half to death and in the other is Ronald McDonald. Wendy’s skill set begins and ends with bringing the 1-2 punches to Twitter like a girl who wears pigtails to spite pigs and I don’t even…
-
Self-Preservation for English Majors
Good morning. Welcome to Self-Preservation for English Majors. I hope you all had a lovely summer. Please stop flirting, you two. You can disappoint each other on your own time. Thank you. As you know, this is a required sophomore-level course for all English majors. At one time, this class was offered…
-
Letting Your Dreams Fly
Objective: throw a roll of toilet paper through a hanging hoola hoop in front of students crazed on the fumes of homecoming. He’ll do it. He kept telling himself that all the days prior. And guess what? He did! I mean the kids went crazy. He went crazy. He ripped his shirt off because nobody…
-
Saturday Mourning
When someone gets cremated, their bodies are burned with dozens of other dead people. Addie told me this three days after her grandmother died. “So that urn sitting on my parent’s mantelpiece in Alabama—the one holding my great aunt—that’s not just my great aunt?” I asked, scraping my fork across my plate to grab…
-
BABY’S GOT SNACK
So many snacks nowadays are just seeming like…some sort of dare, aren’t they? Almonds, like Internet dating, are something I keep intending to bring more into my life. They meet you halfway, almonds do. They hold up their end of the bargain of being actual food and tasting as good as the humans that manhandle…
-
A Snack Review in Prosody: SKIPPY DOUBLE PEANUT BUTTER P.B. BITES
Gather round, yea, gather round my friends,It’s time to talk about Skippy Bites (balls),Before they vanish over that snack trend horizon,And they do merit study, discussion, et al. They await on the shelf for your notice,Nestled in their blue plastic cup coffers,O’ convenience this, o’ convenience that,Question remains: are they worth four dollars? Would an…
-
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?: Vea’s Thai Coconut Mini Crunch Bars
a) How many people had to sign off on these to bring Vea’s Thai Coconut Mini Crunch Bar into existence? b) How much money could they possibly make to have them worth producing when they aren’t an obvious choice of the busy parent/weed-related snacking/slumber party junk-food-saturnalia markets? c) What time of day snack niche do…
-
TAKES A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR TO MAKE THE REALITY OF DEATH GO DOWN: Butterfinger Smooth and Crunchy Peanut Butter Cups Skulls
Spooks, ghosts, skeletons, you know the whole Halloween kit and caboodle—frankly, I’ve always been a fan. Butterfinger Smooth And Crunchy Peanut Butter Cups Skulls utilizes one of solidest tropes: the skull. Two surprisingly hefty ones of ‘em per package. While the Capuchin catacombs of Rome (human hip bones splayed out like cocktail napkins on the…
-
Oh, JACK: DORITOS JACKED 3D Jalapeño Pepper Jack Flavored Torilla Snacks
Are we living through a golden age or an arms race of snack production? Never before has snacks been so wildly imagined and (fetishishically?) realized for such large swathes of the population. I can say this with all the confidence of someone who has done absolutely no research whatsoever to back their assertion. Still, I…
-
New York Dictionary : Choose Your Own Coffee Beans
Here’s how New Yorkers communicate that you must choose your coffee beans and roasts by hand:
-
JOHNNY CAGE OF MORTAL KOMBAT CALLS 911
“911 operator, what’s your emergency?” “I inhaled a fireball.” “Okay where are you?” “Oh god, I don’t know… I… I swallowed a fireball, what do I do?” “Stay calm.” “Okay, okay. BUT IT’S A FIREBALL.” “Right. Where are you?” “Liu Kang’s dojo. Our summer barbecue kind of got out of hand…” “Out of hand how?”…