Tag: humor
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The Alchemy of Advice
For Rhina E That poem that you have to write will make you write it, you told us, eventually. Before it even is, it makes us ache inside? Is that the way it gets to be, like other fruits of creativity? As seeds spawn trees, so, for the simple sake of what is not, one…
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For All One Knows
A man sees an old woman up ahead of him on the side of a desolate path. He is surprised to come across her, as he hasn’t seen anyone for days. By the looks of it, neither has she. She is leaning up against a tree, in the small midday shade, and even though she…
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A Ghost Wouldn’t Say That
One moonless Friday night in October, a man and a woman on a Harley came roaring up Illinois 440 with Spalding behind them and Colby City a few miles ahead. They passed the Christmas tree farm, they passed the hog market, they made the quick little S-curve without incident even though they’d never been on…
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Naked Vicar
Ruth, Epiphany (Sunday, 6th January) She looked contemptuously at the portrait she had just finished; Mr E. A. Adonis had been dismissive and rude when she had gone to his house to take preliminary photographs for the painting and had then made several attempts to pat her bottom, and the finished portrait clearly showed her…
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The Miracles of San Batista
One could argue that as a native Batistan my opinion of the events I am about to recount must necessarily be tainted by local prejudice and distorted by personal involvement. And, in a way, it would be true. But of one thing you can be sure of. I will tell you what happened as best…
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The New Art of Book Making
I turn on the kettle for the cup of peppermint tea I make before every class. My laptop is on and mostly ready. While I wait for the water to boil I open up the zoom app, click join a meeting, then I type in the meeting ID that I wrote down on a post-it…
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Waiting for the Woe
Sitting in this sparse gray room with nothing to look at besides posters of the digestive tract, no doubt provided by drug companies as perks for doctor’s offices, I await a verdict that will determine my future. I’ve done nothing to prepare for good news. Why should I? I’m not one these people who will…
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Angel of the Battlefield
I’m decidedly old-fashioned, wearing an apron and a smile as I cross the road to greet the new neighbors. Between oven mitts, I hold a freshly-baked pie, the pan still hot. My hair is done up high and tied with a ribbon. It’s all going so well, my fifties fantasy, until, from the bowels of…
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Santa Quit: I am Applying to the Position of Santa
(Inspired by the McSweeney’s piece “I Would Like to be Pope”) Dear Sir or Madam, I am reaching out to apply for the position of Santa in the Claus division. This year, I will graduate from Brown University to receive my Bachelor of Arts, magna cum laude, in an independent concentration called “Capitalism and Holiday…
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The Smartphone Adjuster
“Henderson Atwell,” a woman announced. She stood in an open doorway to a small office, a wane smile on her face, and a clipboard held protectively in front of her light blue cardigan. “Yup, that’s me,” a beefy man said. He hoisted his large body from the waiting room chair. In three strides, he stood…
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Free Solo in Seattle
I’m not sure how Tom Hanks and Free Solo and poetry and golf and the truth somehow all relate to my divorce, but they definitely all crash around my mind, elbowing each other for more room and, hopefully, top billing in my sad, sad play. Maybe that’s why my eventual expiration date on my life…
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Of Wine and Women
Many of us have tales of grand misadventures from our youth where we let our naivete and impetuousness get the better of us. My most infamous teenage picaresque tale involves a Christmas-gift makeup kit; my best friend, Brian; two illegally-bought bottles of Boone’s Farm wine; and a late-night stroll alongside a good stretch of rural…