I am going to write 1,000 words.
Ready?
This is one-thousand words in one paragraph, it’s awesome. This is one-thousand words in one paragraph, it’s awesome. This is one-thousand words in one paragraph, it’s awesome. This is one-thousand words in one paragraph, it’s awesome. This is one-thousand words in one paragraph, it’s awesome. This is one-thousand words in one paragraph, it’s awesome. This is one-thousand words in one paragraph, it’s awesome. This is one-thousand words in one paragraph, it’s awesome. This is one-thousand words in one paragraph, it’s awesome. This is one-thousand words in one paragraph, it’s awesome. This is one-thousand words in one paragraph, it’s awesome. This is one-thousand words in one paragraph, it’s awesome. This is one-thousand words in one paragraph, it’s awesome. This is one-thousand words in one paragraph, it’s awesome. This is one-thousand words in one paragraph, it’s awesome. This is one-thousand words in one paragraph, it’s awesome. 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Man, that was easy. Don’t know why you writers complain so much.
Also, I’m going to publish a book. Here are my steps:
- Write the following words: “Best Book in the Freaking World by Lance Schaubert. Chapter 1 The Victorian Zombie Vampires ate everyone, fell in love, had a wrinkle in their relationship because of their socially unacceptable union that friends/parents/employers/etc. objected to and they overcame said adversity through a quick argument and sex. The end.”
- Save in .RTF file
- Open Calibre.app
- Convert into .MOBI file
- Take an awesome picture of myself in the mirror as tribute to the MySpace golden age, complete with crappy, grainy lens flare—not of the stylish toy camera variety either. A Kodak moment—you know the kind.
- Put text saying “Best bok in the Freaking World by Lants Schaubert” on the front
- (using Comic Sans for the title and Papyrus for my name)
- type in the info—yes, Amazon, of course I own the copyright. I ain’t a crook. Sheesh.
- Click SUBMIT and set the price at a cool, clean $1.99
- Wait two days for approval
- Offer it for free for the first seven days
- Spam people with “BUY MY BOOKBUY MY BOOK”
- Create a blog dedicated to my awesomeness wherein I create social interaction over meaningless content rather than attempting to generate quality content myself///things that people look at and forget in a moment rather than things that people might actually enjoy reading or wouldn’t feel embarrassed sharing///things that cost me nothing to make that they can waste their time on rather than things I freely give to them that cost me pain and thought.
- Sell a million copies
- Repeat.
See? Stop your whining about rejection letters.
Another tip: use phrases that you like from books you like without those footnotes or the slightest quotation marks that you hate. Phrases such as “it was a dark and stormy night” and “Call me Bishmale” and “this is my eleventy-first birthday” and the following dialog:
“I want the truth!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!”
Or snippets even about acres of joints where harvests were, the laugh of recognition, and so on—things that have obviously no referent or symbolic purpose in the work you’re creating, you just ran out of ideas. that’s good. Yeah, real good.
Ooh! OOH! How about an autotuner for writers? Eh? Eh?! You’d write whatever you wanted and the Writer’s Autotuner® would come along and fix all of the grammar mistakes (intentional or unintentional) all of the spelling errors (pulling proper words from its limited vocabulary) and ALL of the stylistic faults like if you were writing passive grammar in the imperfect voice intentionally, it would be fixing it or if you wanted your reader to know you were gender-inclusive it would fix your pronouns to accommodate him, or if you used a cliché to subvert clichés or to prove that clichés are workable for certain characters, it would cut them all quick as lightning.
My first book — the one about how it’s the best book in the freaking world — just sold a million copiesi’mthinkingaboutwritinganewonecalled “How I made a million dollars on Amazon in just two weeks” or something like that.
Aren’t I awesome?
Also: I think everyone on planet earth — all 7 Billion people — should write a book. Everyone agrees that everyone has something to say } and that’s actually true { but what’s even truer (eh? Eh?!) is that everyone has the talent, know-how, and has logged enough hours practicing that they can feasibly say everything they’ve ever experienced in a refined, unique voice. Right? Right?
Am I Right? You know what I mean?
You know what I’m saying here?
Or whatever.
In anycase, we could do with 7 Billion new books next year, better yet — tomorrow morning, I want all of them printed promptly at 8 A.M., all entitled:
“The Best Book in the Freaking World by } insert your name here { “
And there will be
books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.
that are printed on
books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.
to the sound that goes
books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.
every time they print
books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.
by with the press that makes
books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.
sounds robotic like:
books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.
every time you hear
books.
Books.
Books.
Books.
Books.
Books.
books.
it’s another ten
books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.
see that sound now reminds me of
boots. Boots. Boots. Boots. Boots. Boots. boots.
that were marching by
books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.
that were burning in
heaps. Heaps. Heaps. Heaps. Heaps. Heaps. heaps.
so we couldn’t read
books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.
if we keep printing
books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.
never muse on the
books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.
or mull over the
books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.
then they’re all good as
burnt. Burnt. Burnt. Burnt… Burnt… Burnt.
Burnt.
It’s gonna be so great. There’ll be books everywhere. Books flowing out of your Kindle and Nook readers, books pouring out of sewer drains, books on your breakfast, books like bricks to make up new book sidewalks and new Berlin book wall and West Gaza walls, books replacing hardwood on your floors in your book rooms, books for pillows, books for bandages, books for sandwhich bread and bookmeat and ground-up book pages with a splidget of bookoil for the book-sandwhich-book-spread, and books about books of books for books by books flowing all over the books slathered with a creamy book topping and towered up into great nondescript book towers like the ones made of composting, thrown-away books at the start of Wall-E.
Wouldn’t that be neat?
}{
For newcomers — a note on 50 @ 25:
Once upon a time, I read that the perfect age for writing quality poetry is twenty-three. Apparently most of T.S. Elliot’s stuff came out then, the rest of his work being supposedly non-poetic. This resulted in 46 poems written at 23.
These poems came out exponentially faster and faster before my 24th birthday on April 30th – and I had to write in genres spanning from epic ballads to limericks to get 46 in on time. I guess that means, for better or worse, that’s the best poetry I’ll ever write. Sad day.
Who was I kidding?
Milton was blind and old—oooooold—when he publishedParadise Regained. Emily Dickenson was dead when her stuff came out. My favorite stuff from T.S. Elliot came out after his conversion. So yeah, old age is good for poetry too. Look at Burns and Berry.
(Side note: the name “Berry Burns” sounds like a shady car salesman).
Will I keep up this twice-my-age regimen every few years? Who knows, but this year, here’s to 50 poems at 25 to be written exponentially faster until I turn 26 on April Thirtyish. I do it this the second time around as a way to say: “Here’s to living life well before it’s too late.”
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