036: Making Noise or “The Self-Replicating Nanobot that Consumes Everything While Replicating itself, Leaving the Entire World in an Amorphous Blob of Grey-Goo”

I am going to write 1,000 words.

Ready?

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READ NEXT:  Education for All — 4 of 8

Man, that was easy. Don’t know why you writers complain so much.

Also, I’m going to publish a book. Here are my steps:

  1. Write the following words: “Best Book in the Freaking World by Lance Schaubert. Chapter 1 The Victorian Zombie Vampires ate everyone, fell in love, had a wrinkle in their relationship because of their socially unacceptable union that friends/parents/employers/etc. objected to and they overcame said adversity through a quick argument and sex. The end.”
  2. Save in .RTF file
  3. Open Calibre.app
  4. Convert into .MOBI file
  5. Take an awesome picture of myself in the mirror as tribute to the MySpace golden age, complete with crappy, grainy lens flare—not of the stylish toy camera variety either. A Kodak moment—you know the kind.
  6. Put text saying “Best bok in the Freaking World by Lants Schaubert” on the front
  7. (using Comic Sans for the title and Papyrus for my name)
  8. type in the info—yes, Amazon, of course I own the copyright. I ain’t a crook. Sheesh.
  9. Click SUBMIT and set the price at a cool, clean $1.99
  10. Wait two days for approval
  11. Offer it for free for the first seven days
  12. Spam people with “BUY MY BOOKBUY MY BOOK”
  13. Create a blog dedicated to my awesomeness wherein I create social interaction over meaningless content rather than attempting to generate quality content myself///things that people look at and forget in a moment rather than things that people might actually enjoy reading or wouldn’t feel embarrassed sharing///things that cost me nothing to make that they can waste their time on rather than things I freely give to them that cost me pain and thought.
  14. Sell a million copies
  15. Repeat.

See? Stop your whining about rejection letters.

Another tip: use phrases that you like from books you like without those footnotes or the slightest quotation marks that you hate. Phrases such as “it was a dark and stormy night” and “Call me Bishmale” and “this is my eleventy-first birthday” and the following dialog:

“I want the truth!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!”

Or snippets even about acres of joints where harvests were, the laugh of recognition, and so on—things that have obviously no referent or symbolic purpose in the work you’re creating, you just ran out of ideas. that’s good. Yeah, real good.

Ooh! OOH! How about an autotuner for writers? Eh? Eh?! You’d write whatever you wanted and the Writer’s Autotuner® would come along and fix all of the grammar mistakes (intentional or unintentional) all of the spelling errors (pulling proper words from its limited vocabulary) and ALL of the stylistic faults like if you were writing passive grammar in the imperfect voice intentionally, it would be fixing it or if you wanted your reader to know you were gender-inclusive it would fix your pronouns to accommodate him, or if you used a cliché to subvert clichés or to prove that clichés are workable for certain characters, it would cut them all quick as lightning.

My first book — the one about how it’s the best book in the freaking world — just sold a million copiesi’mthinkingaboutwritinganewonecalled “How I made a million dollars on Amazon in just two weeks” or something like that.

READ NEXT:  Neruda at a frat party

Aren’t I awesome?

Also: I think everyone on planet earth — all 7 Billion people — should write a book. Everyone agrees that everyone has something to say } and that’s actually true { but what’s even truer (eh? Eh?!) is that everyone has the talent, know-how, and has logged enough hours practicing that they can feasibly say everything they’ve ever experienced in a refined, unique voice. Right? Right?

Am I Right? You know what I mean?

You know what I’m saying here?

Or whatever.

In anycase, we could do with 7 Billion new books next year, better yet — tomorrow morning, I want all of them printed promptly at 8 A.M., all entitled:

“The Best Book in the Freaking World by } insert your name here { “

And there will be

books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.

that are printed on

books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.

to the sound that goes

books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.

every time they print

books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.

by with the press that makes

books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.

sounds robotic like:

books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.

every time you hear

books.

 

Books.

 

Books.

 

Books.

 

Books.

 

Books.

 

books.

 

it’s another ten

books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.

see that sound now reminds me of

boots. Boots. Boots. Boots. Boots. Boots. boots.

that were marching by

books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.

that were burning in

heaps. Heaps. Heaps. Heaps. Heaps. Heaps. heaps.

so we couldn’t read

books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.

if we keep printing

books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.

never muse on the

books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.

or mull over the

books. Books. Books. Books. Books. Books. books.

then they’re all good as

burnt. Burnt. Burnt. Burnt… Burnt… Burnt.

Burnt.

It’s gonna be so great. There’ll be books everywhere. Books flowing out of your Kindle and Nook readers, books pouring out of sewer drains, books on your breakfast, books like bricks to make up new book sidewalks and new Berlin book wall and West Gaza walls, books replacing hardwood on your floors in your book rooms, books for pillows, books for bandages, books for sandwhich bread and bookmeat and ground-up book pages with a splidget of bookoil for the book-sandwhich-book-spread, and books about books of books for books by books flowing all over the books slathered with a creamy book topping and towered up into great nondescript book towers like the ones made of composting, thrown-away books at the start of Wall-E.

Wouldn’t that be neat?

}{

For newcomers — a note on 50 @ 25:

Once upon a time, I read that the perfect age for writing quality poetry is twenty-three.  Apparently most of T.S. Elliot’s stuff came out then, the rest of his work being supposedly non-poetic. This resulted in 46 poems written at 23

These poems came out exponentially faster and faster before my 24th birthday on April 30th – and I had to write in genres spanning from epic ballads to limericks to get 46 in on time. I guess that means, for better or worse, that’s the best poetry I’ll ever write. Sad day.

READ NEXT:  All Ireland.

Who was I kidding?

Milton was blind and oldoooooold—when he publishedParadise Regained. Emily Dickenson was dead when her stuff came out. My favorite stuff from T.S. Elliot came out after his conversion. So yeah, old age is good for poetry too. Look at Burns and Berry.

(Side note: the name “Berry Burns” sounds like a shady car salesman).

Will I keep up this twice-my-age regimen every few years? Who knows, but this year, here’s to 50 poems at 25 to be written exponentially faster until I turn 26 on April Thirtyish. I do it this the second time around as a way to say: “Here’s to living life well before it’s too late.”

monogram new


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  1. Doberman

    I am not fond of this tone or content.

    1. lanceschaubert

      I was afraid you wouldn’t be fond, but I think I may have missed my intended point if this is the case.

      See below…

  2. Doberman

    Far be it from me to write a poem that advocates censorship, yet compares the self-publishing industry to book burning. This is very ivory tower in my opinion. Snobby, insulting to readers…not funny.

    1. lanceschaubert

      It doesn’t advocate censorship, but restraint. There’s a difference. The former hates free press. Based on previous posts, it’s fair to say that I advocate free press vehemently. So we’ll start there.

      The latter — restraint — says that all work, all art, needs refining simply because the initial shot isn’t best. All things in their infancy need maturation including self-publishing, whether from a community standpoint or a personal one.

      The burning of books metaphor is simply showing this: a lack of restraint can damage books either by burning or by over-saturation. This poem, in its sarcasm, advocates temperance for books and temperance in a personal sense rather than a sociological one.

      Restrict printing presses and you’re not liberating the press. But if you’re printing every single thing you type down, then you’re imprisoning literature under the sheer weight of meaninglessness. What are you really wanting people to read? What do I want them to hear? I’ve gone back and deleted several posts over the years simply because I find them tacky or untrue or impulsive. I’ve also edited as I’ve gone along–one of the virtues of self-publishing.

      I’m thinking Mark Twain with this one, who at the end of his life said, “I wish I would have said less.” He’s not saying he’s a bad writer. He’s not saying that people shouldn’t write, shouldn’t follow their dreams, shouldn’t advocate free press. He’s not even saying that he regrets saying things in general.

      He’s simply saying that he over-stated his themes through the sheer volume of words. If I did so here, then it’s hypocritical and I accept that… unless the tone achieved the sort of subversion I intended.

      However my hope is that the poem compares the state-sanctioned torching of books to the self-sanctioned impulsiveness to write and never reflect, to write and never edit, to write and never throw anything–whatsoever–into the dumpster.

      It’s not ivory-tower. It’s advocating the craft of editing, editors, personal reflection before publication, and the “on-second-thought” kind of thinking that has saved many relationships and countries from going to war throughout history. I think that if every single person planning on self-publishing this year gave their work two months to marinate, and then came back with fresh eyes, they and their work would be better for the reflection.

      And if they and their work would be better, then we all would be better for the experience. We don’t find this. We find impulsiveness, and I wrote this poem to the impulsiveness first and foremost in myself.

      Said simpler: this poem was written by someone who just self-published through Amazon. If anything, it’s a look in the mirror, a doubting Thomas poem, wondering if I reflected enough before I clicked “Submit.”

      Is that so bad?

      1. Doberman

        Mark Twain aside, no, it is not so bad (your comment) I just feel a lot of contempt in the poem.

        I have no beef or judgement regarding who should write and at what skill level people should write if they self publish. I wouldn’t set myself up as an arbiter of taste and rules and say ‘what needs to be done about it’ as it is not a problem in my opinion. To set oneself up as that voice or authority taking on something and deciding that it must be fixed based on one’s “better” or “more educated” point of view/taste is an ivory tower situation despite your intentions.

        It is not as though books I consider poorly written aren’t published in print all the time, green-lighted by various editors. Many to stunning success, but even if I think the book is sub par, that is just me. I can see why others might really enjoy a book that I dislike.
        Self-publishing has been going on since the printing press. And rather than rejoice, some men of letters almost certainly worried considerably about mass production, mirroring some of the thoughts expressed in your poem.

        I say let freedom ring, let the people decide what they want to read. Whether a book is produced by painstaking, brave, slapdash or foolish methods is not a source of ill will or finger wagging from me. How do you know how much someone else needs to reflect on their work? I do not believe the populace needs a e-book comptroller. They are not being harmed. You disagree. Okay. I don’t think disagreement is bad.

        As for the poem, I still believe it sounds harsh and contemptious. Perhaps I just am not fond of contempt in general. Despite your earnest explanation it still has a tang of negativity that I do not like. That is whay I said not funny. I didn’t get the subversiveness, just ax grinding from a judgemental point of view.
        Also found tiresome the use of booksbooksbooksbooks. That only worked once for me and the word was bells. Just my opinion.

        1. lanceschaubert

          This has given me a lot of food for thought. Thanks, sis.

          I do agree — contempt is terribly dangerous and typically wrong. But I do think there are some things we may contempt without shackling another human. For instance, you seem to have contempt for contempt itself. This allows room for some sort of righteous contempt to thrive.

          One of those things, for me, is pornography. I have contempt for pornography after seeing what it did to the marriages of friends and family members. I can find no excuse for it. Do I believe in free press? Sure, let Hefner have at it, but that doesn’t mean I want my kids growing up in a world where the literary market is flooded with pornography. Some sort of restraint, even if it’s simply based on age, can help here. Therefore I have contempt for Fifty Shades not from a literary stance, but from a stance where I aspire toward great fatherhood.

          That aside, I agree in general. I found the poem contrived and mean and posted it because it’s on the outer limits of poems I generated for this series that I’m willing to share. Do I still agree with everything in it? Not in the least. It’s wordy, long, gaudy as I’ll get out and downright polemical. The spirit of it is off, and I think that’s what you’re getting at more than the actual argument. To that: I agree, off with its head.

          But it’s done and it’s there. I’d overhaul it were it to go to a publisher, but it won’t because it is a product of its own critique, and therefore hypocritical at worst, satire at best.

        2. lanceschaubert

          Regardless, I meant what I said: thanks!

  3. Christina_BC

    And here I was contemplating self publishing my thesis as an ebook (with modifications, of course). Perhaps this was an aptly-timed sign for me. And, I do know that was not the point of this poem, just something that flashed through my own mind.

    This all reminds me of Borges’ “Funes the Memorious.” Of course, the whole of the internet reminds of that story sometimes. Honestly, I could talk for hours about the importance of culling through the great mass of information out there (although when people rearrange content from the internet and call it “curating” I visibly cringe).

    1. lanceschaubert

      Maybe Doberman was right…

      Yeah, you should totally publish your thesis. It was, as I said in the above comment, an attempt to get myself to reflect and pause and consider everything I’ve written before publishing it. In fact, the same thought made me redact Thursday’s poem–it’ll make more sense on thursday.

      THERE you go! That’s exactly what I’m getting at — Jorge Luis Borges’ “Fune” is a PEFECT example. We have to sift through more and more because it’s getting easier and easier. Think Wikileaks: there was some interesting stuff in there but it got bogged down in the sheer mass of information overload. What if they would have curated it through an accountability board or something? Like they could still have had the information all online for those that wanted it, but a best-of list would have been helpful.

      Yeah, simple rearranging isn’t curation — agreed. Curation isn’t just selection. It’s also a skilled organization AND care for the items. Curation of old paintings includes preservation and the copywriting, editorial forwards, and the like work like critical commentary…

      which most internet curators refuse to do.

      …but you should totally publish your thesis. Just think it through like you said.

      1. Christina_BC

        Never fear, a poem alone would not dissuade me from self publishing 🙂 Although, poems can be quite powerful!

        Maybe you should start a site that finds the most polished and well-thought-out self published works and brings them out so people will know how to find the best of the best. Something similar to what a curator would do for an exhibition. There, see? Even a snobby museum person can use “curate” in an internet context sometimes.

        1. lanceschaubert

          Glad to hear it. I was worried…

          Now there’s an interesting idea… I think I’d start with Luke/Acts and move through history toward E.E. Cummings’ poetry.

          Haha, you’re right. It certainly has its place…

  4. sedula

    Perhaps this can all be seen as chicken and egg (in a different poem). As a reader I practice restraint regarding what I read. But I prefer a large amount to browse through.

    1. lanceschaubert

      That’s an interesting thought…

      In a different poem as in “one exists?” Or as in “you should write a response?”

      1. sedula

        Oh, I meant it as an idea for a different poem. Nobody is assigned to write it, just a cool concept.

        1. lanceschaubert

          That’s what I thought. Good call.

  5. sedula

    No contempt for contempt actually. I just find it the trickiest thing to pull of in writing poetry and something to be very careful with in life as it can scorch the emotional earth. You may have noticed I become critical when it is used. (Ooooh so dry.) Plus I do react to anything even with a whiff of censorship becasue I need to find out the intent.

    Too bad the poem will languish. It could be made satirical with some revisions. But if you don’t feel like sweating blood over it, I totally understand. Freedom!

    1. lanceschaubert

      “can scorch the emotional earth.” I like that and may steal it some day, fair warning.

      Yeah, you’re right. Lesson learned and thanks.

      As for the languishing, thanks for the compliments, but all of my poems languish because I find the submission process unfruitful in the world of poetry. Submission and subsequent rejection forces me into revision, but when there’s hardly anything to shoot for in the publication world concerning poetry, I figure the people who like my poetry will find it and those who don’t, won’t.

      But maybe that’s a lame attitude…

  6. sedula

    Hardly anything to shoot for…unless you are a poet. Which as a writer I must admit is my foremost claim, rather than novelist or historian (although they are second and a necessary third).

    Yes, the days of wealthy poets are long past. Wait, did they ever exist? If so why is there the saying “Drunker than a poet on payday.” Hehehehe. I think I do it because I have to. Publishing will come when I have enought that I feel can be submitted for a book. And I am not prolific…and I revise a lot….the pen is my friend, the delete button my enemy unless I make a ridiculous amount of word docs. GASP…paper?!

    But I read more of anything than anyone I know, and if I were not in the beginning of a frugal 3 to five years I would buy you two editions of the “Lives of The Poets”…..Samuel Johnson’s and Michael Schmidt’s. Good additions to the home library. Always fun for a browse and invaluable if you need to get a quick understanding of what someone was up to.

  7. Before You Start That Blog: Intro | Lancelot Schaubert

    […] my aversion to the word “blog,” my aversion to the false sense of immediacy created by that publish button, my desire for us all to reflect on language that has lasted and for us to spend less time spent […]

Quick note from Lance about this post: when you choose to comment (or share this post with your friends) you help other readers just like you.

How?

Well, see, your comments & sharing whisper a few things to those who come after you:

The first is that this site is a safe place to speak up & stay curious. That it's civil. That discussion is encouraged. That there's no such thing as a stupid question (being a student of Socrates, I really and truly believe this). That talking to one another and growing together is more important than anything we could possibly publish. That the point is growing in virtue and growing together and growing wise. That discovery is invention, deference is originality, that we all can rise together. The only folks I'm going to take comments down from are obvious jerks who argue in bad faith, don't stay curious, or actively make personal attacks. And, frankly, I'd rather we talk here than on some social media farm — I will never show ads and the only thing I'm selling anywhere on the site or my mailing list is just the stuff I make.

You're also helping folks realize that anything you & they build together is far more important than anything you come to me to read. I take the things I write about seriously, but I don't take myself seriously: I play the fool, I hate cults of personality, and I also don't really like being the center of attention (believe it or not). I would much rather folks connect because of an introduction I've made or because they commented with one another back and forth and then build something beautiful together. My favorite contributions have been lifelong business and love partnerships from two people who have forgotten I introduced them. Some of my closest friends NOW I literally met on another blog's comment section fifteen years ago. I would love for that to happen here — let two of you meet and let me fade into the background.

Last, you help me revise. I'm wrong. Often. I'm not embarrassed to admit it or worried about being cancelled or publicly shamed. I make a fool out of myself (that's sort of the point). So as I get feedback, I can say, "I was wrong about that" and set a model for curious, consistent learning, and growing in wisdom. I'm blind to what I don't know and as grows the island of my knowledge so grows the shoreline of my ignorance. It's the recovery of innocence on the far end of experience: a child is in a permanent state of wonder. So are the wise: they aren't afraid of saying, "I don't know. That's new: please teach me." That's my goal, comments help. And I read all reviews: my skin's tough, but that's not license to be needlessly cruel. We teach one another our habits and there's a way to civilly demolish an idea without demolishing another person: just because I personally can take the world's meanest 1-star review doesn't mean we should teach one another how to be crueler on the internet.

For three magical reasons — your brave curiosity, your community, & my ignorance:

Please comment & share with friends how you prefer to share:

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